Would you like to have a method you can use to deal with your feelings that are not producing the most desirable results? Just ask yourself one simple question: Why am I doing this? That is to say, why am I holding on to feelings that are not working for me?
Let’s look at our feelings about someone who has wronged us somehow. Maybe they started some negative rumor about us that was not true. Possibly, they stole the affection of our significant other. They could have hurt us in many ways, real or imagined. Our ego response is obvious: anger. We hate them and wish them harm. We can’t stop thinking about how much they hurt us.
Letting Go
Ironically, it could be that we like holding on to that feeling. We don’t want to let it go. We are justified in being angry with that person. We’re not going to let them off the hook. But who’s really on “the hook” here? Is that person suffering as a direct result of your feelings? There is a good chance they’re not even aware—and more likely, they don’t care.
There is likely another victim below the level of anger: your self-image. You’re angry because that person cost you your job. But is it possible you don’t feel you are qualified to do that job? Or your loved one left you for another. Could it be that you don’t believe you are worthy of a loving relationship?
Remove and Replace
You may think all this is stored safely within you, but it is not. It will come through every time you go for a job interview or on a date. You can try to hide it, but your subconscious mind will surely send the message – not to the other person, but to you! Until you face what is within you, nothing of value will change.
So, how do you change all of this and begin to control your life? Simple—just change your feelings. Ok, maybe that’s much simpler to say than to do. But at the end of the day, that must happen if you wish to change the negative flow. Learning to deal with those feelings may take a few steps.
It’s important to step back from your thoughts and feelings to observe what’s going on objectively. This is essential for using your awareness to your advantage. Once you have that view, the next step is to ask yourself a simple question: Why?
Why am I feeling this way? Maybe some of me feels good about being upset for the reasons I mentioned. But is that feeling really helping me? Could I change my life for the better by understanding that my feelings are my choice?
Of course, changing the feelings you are clinging to will change your life’s direction. But for this to work, you must know it to be true. Believing is not enough. The first step in implementing this change involves visualizing how you would like your life to be. Don’t worry about the details of “how;” just focus on the goal.
An Extreme Example
I read a story about a woman whose husband cheated on her and left her for another woman. She was telling the story to a psychologist who was trying to help her with the resulting chronic depression. This woman told every detail of what happened. Her emotion was intense. She shed tears talking about how deeply she had been hurt. When asked how long all of this had happened, she told the psychologist that it had taken place thirty years ago. By reliving the feelings of pain for so long, it was impossible for her to heal. She continued to suffer as she had when it first happened.
There will be events that take place in our lives that will cause us pain. There is no way to avoid that. But we do have a choice whether or not we learn from the pain and then let it go or cling to it indefinitely. One of the major determinants of the quality of our lives will be found in the decisions we make. Use this simple but effective method to deal with feelings that are not producing the most desirable results and gain peace of mind.
